Christmas and Epic Fails

First order of business…Merry Christmas to all of you! I hope you had an absolutely splendid, relaxing time!!

So let me just cut to the chase and say that this year I handled Christmas about as well as Britney Spears handled 2007. That might be a little dramatic, but overall it was a series of epic fails and most of them occurred in what is usually one of my favorite places – the kitchen.


To begin this sad saga, the biologist and I spent Christmas eve relaxing, watching Christmas movies and of course – baking!! I got a new food processor in the mail (thanks Mom!), so I have been processing everything that I can fit into that amazing machine.


I got the wild idea that for Christmas breakfast we could have homemade eggs benedict…as in, I could make the muffins, hollandaise sauce and chop the cheese (all with my fancy new processor of course). I spent the better part of Christmas eve blending away and patting myself on the back for the phenomenal homemade breakfast we would make in the morning. I didn’t try any of the muffins that night because we were having wine and -duh- they were going to be perfect.

Christmas day, we woke to hurricane gale force winds and the siren song of the food processor beckoning me to make hollandaise. You guys. I can’t even talk about what happened. Here is a picture:


The biologist attempted to rescue the sauce but while he was frantically whipping that vile mixture, everything else sort of went to shit. We pushed through, put the eggs benedict together, took some optimistic photos and sat down to what I would call cold poached eggs on rocks (thats right…english muffins = metamorphic rocks).DSC_0010_fotor


I shook off that failure and moved on to my next project – the turkey I won at work. That, by the way, was a total lie – they gave all the employees at my work free cornish game hens turkeys this year. Anyhow, I had set it out to unthaw the day before. Unfortunately, after reading the label that mentioned “contamination if unthawed at room temperature” I gulped and put it back in the fridge to thaw. Nothing ever thaws in our fridge, but Christmas is the season of miracles and – you guys – I had work to do with my food processor. So during that post-eggs-benedict-disaster era, I got the turkey ready and tossed it in the oven. DSC_0008_fotor

Several hours later, I checked the temperature and deduced that the turkey was ready. The biologist made his famous potatoes and I started hacking away at the bird. The top breast portion was perfect. I was congratulating myself and then happened to cut into the bottom part of the bird. Let me just say that turkey meat should be brown or white – but not that lovely shade of magenta. We salvaged the breast meat and had dinner. The whole time I was thinking about the patient I had encountered that had salmonella and how maybe if I drank enough wine it would kill the bacteria that could be entering my system.


Now let me tell you the good part of the story. Later in the evening we went to visit some friends. They had a REAL Christmas dinner that was amazing and we had a fabulous time. Thank goodness for wonderful people and being able to laugh about fowl (!!!!) cooking blunders. It is time with people like that that I am thankful for.IMG_3959_fotor

Since it is the holidays, this should be the part where I talk about how we learn from our mistakes and everybody messes up.

But I’m not going to because tonight I tried to make caesar salad dressing with four month expired mayonnaise, forgot to season the fish and made one of the most horrendous dinners of my cooking career. The biologist told me I was on kitchen probation.

I hope you enjoy the rest of the holidays and if you do get salmonella…let me know! 🙂

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3 thoughts on “Christmas and Epic Fails

  1. Pingback: A New Year | LIQUID SUNSHINE

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