Sunday night something completely absurd happened. I am going to tell you all about it…but let me warn you in advance that there are going to be no photos – I didn’t take any (Sorry no selfies, Shannon…next time!). There might be some GIF’s. But whatever.
Anyway. The Biologist was out of town and I had just polished off some ice cream and a nice binge sesh of Orange Is the New Black. I was happy, relaxed and drifting off to sleep.Then. There was a CRASH. A very loud one. It startled me and as I woke up, my first thought was….uh-oh (actually it was a series of bad words too inappropriate to post here).I hopped out of bed, hit the lights and tiptoed out to the living room. I didn’t see anything except for pitch black, so I took a few steps forward and hit the lights.
Much to my horror, the large brown thing at the door turned from the tipped over garbage can and gazed slowly over his muscular shoulder at me. At that point, all of the oxygen in the room was sucked into a void, the Earth stopped spinning and my heart went into asystole. The bear cocked his gigantic head and contorted his shiny black nose, wrinkling his muzzle to expose a huge set of shiny, sharp yellow canines. Something in my brain registered that this animal was about 4.5 feet away and the only thing separating us was a sheet of glass sliding door. It wasn’t like this:This is more like it:So. I set a new land speed record and flew back to the bedroom. I had to take some deep breaths.Then I called the police. The nice woman on the phone told me a policeman would come over and check things out. After what seemed like an eternity, I peeked around the bedroom corner and saw some lights outside. I waited another million years and then went out.
The cop told me the bear was still eating garbage when they pulled up. It ran away as they got out of the car to shoot it with some non-lethal rubber slugs. He said they had been having problems with this particular bear and they did a sweep of the outside to make sure the monster was gone. The cop also told me I could calm down, that I was okay and safe. Although I was thankful for the policeman, this sort of irritated me. My hyperventilation was at a minimum and all I could think was that this guy looked like Officer Mendez from Orange Is the New Black, which just freaked me out even more.That was also the point where I realized that I was standing in the doorway of my trailer in my super short boxers, no bra, and my “Honeybadger Doesn’t Give A Shit” tee-shirt. Obviously, its time to get some grown-up pajamas in case this happens again.
I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night and left all the lights on. I spent the next morning picking up what was left of the garbage – the bear actually ate most of it. This could be the part where I talk about my emotional experience, fear, what it is like to come face to face with a monster….…..but you guys. This is Alaska. This is the kind of shit that happens. This is why I have this blog. Its WILD.
If you will excuse me, I have to go create a bleach perimeter around our trailer so that bear and Officer Mendez don’t return.