At A Loss

Several days ago, my friend’s boyfriend passed away. It was sudden, unexpected and incredibly harsh. He was young, vibrant and even though I didn’t know him – I knew the few years he spent with my friend made her incredibly happy. They were building a life together and in an instant, it was gone.

I am writing about this because it has affected me in a more profound way than I expected. My heart aches for my friend. I am stunned by the sudden loss of such an impacting personality. In so many ways, this event has left me questioning my own future, my plans, my current situation and it makes the trivialities of everyday life seem completely mundane. What if…in an instant – it’s gone?

I met my friend many, many years ago. She would visit her Grandmother during the summer. Those months defined my childhood. We share a name and a million adventures. Hot summers, bicycle rides, movies in the sunroom and late nights mapping our futures…it’s what we did. Her Amuma was my Amuma and Megan defined summertime for my sister and I. While we don’t talk every day, she is always there when I need her. When I got divorced several years ago, she was a subtle presence when I needed help the most.

The problem now is that she is there and I am here. This situation makes me realize the distance, the time, the weight and all the space between me and my family. It shifts my perspective and I feel a heaviness in everything – how short, how sweet, this life is.

Work doesn’t help. Last week in clinic, we saw a woman who had a devastating miscarriage and then a day later I sat there while another patient cried when she saw her babies heartbeat for the first time. Both of those times, I held their hands and all I could think  about was my friend, her boyfriend and this strange, powerful life that we live. How nothing is ever fair. How everything is so long and so short at the same time.

I have been running by the beach this past week. Watching the waves crash, I feel so small, so big and so overwhelmed. There are so many words I want to say and none to do it justice.

The last few posts have been pictures of our Alaskan adventures…the fishing, the scenery, the wildness of it all. The most difficult aspect of any adventure, I think, is this. The part where the people you love are hurting, are at a loss and you just can’t physically be there. It really makes you question if the adventure is worth it and – if things ended in a random second – would you be at peace with the outcome?

For now, I am working on it.

“A fire is never satisfied, an ocean is never full and the grave is never filled…such is life that gives and takes as we know it. Dust returns to the earth as it was and the spirit returns unto God who gave it, rest in peace dear Patrick.”

2 thoughts on “At A Loss

  1. Pingback: Right Now | LIQUID SUNSHINE

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